Doll Parts

I didn’t realise until fairly recently that most people grow up assuming they’re wanted. Not universally adored, just… meant to be there. I did not have that experience.

The father figure in my life made it clear early on that my arrival was more accidental than celebrated. Nothing dramatic. No big declarations. Just a steady understanding that I wasn’t really part of the plan. Which, it turns out, is something you carry with you.

When you grow up feeling optional, you learn to be agreeable. You become good at being liked. You don’t ask for much, don’t make a fuss, and you’re grateful when someone chooses you, even if they don’t choose you for long.

I spent years being wanted in ways that never lasted. Desired, admired, briefly adored. Rarely kept. And because it was familiar, I told myself that was enough.

Always wanted.

Never kept.

The song Doll Parts always felt uncomfortably close to the bone. There’s something about the idea of being a doll pretty, posed, silent, that captures it perfectly. A doll exists to be looked at and enjoyed. She doesn’t ask where things are going or expect consistency.

A doll belongs to someone else. She lives on their terms. Taken down when wanted, put back when she isn’t. And when she becomes inconvenient or uninteresting, she’s quietly replaced. No explanation required.

So I learned how to stay appealing without taking up too much space. I mistook intensity for intimacy. I chased uncertainty because certainty felt unfamiliar. I got very good at leaving first which looks like independence but is mostly fear in better packaging.

It’s strange how long one man’s rejection can echo. How it can convince you that love is something you borrow, not something you’re allowed to keep. That if someone stays, it’s provisional, and you should enjoy it quietly while it lasts.

I’m learning now that being unwanted by someone who couldn’t show up properly doesn’t make you unkeepable. It just means you were raised inside a story that wasn’t true.

I’m still unlearning it.

But these days, I want more than being wanted.

I want to be kept.