Embracing Change: My Journey with Depression and Citalopram.

"Is It Possible to Reignite Creativity After Depression?"

Here’s the mood board I put together while writing this piece.

When the doctor looked at me and said, "You have depression, and sometimes we just need a little help with that," I felt a mix of relief and resignation. She pulled up my medical records, highlighting the times I had visited over the years. Deep down, I already knew it was depression; I had known for a long time. I had become intimately familiar with my depression—so much so that I knew it never truly "goes away." It simply shrinks for a while, becoming a bit easier to carry.

At that time, I thought I had a good handle on it. I was doing everything I could before this appointment: attending therapy, going for walks, taking baths, journaling, and talking about my feelings. But as the months passed, it felt like I was caught in the eye of a tornado—chaos swirling around me, everything breaking apart. The more it disrupted, the bigger it grew. I lost control and finally admitted defeat. Enter Citalopram.

Taking medication for my mental health felt like admitting defeat at first. I didn't see it as a positive step but rather as a daily reminder that something was wrong with my brain. However, it’s been a year and a half now, and with the help of an amazing doctor who has been supportive and understanding, I have reached the highest dose that works for me, helping me navigate through a challenging chapter of my life . I am grateful for that little pill I take every morning at 9:00 AM with my breakfast.

While it has protected me from extreme lows, I've noticed a side effect: it seems to have muted my creativity and certain parts of my personality. However, I'm not entirely sure if this is solely due to the medication or a combination of life circumstances that have made me feel detached from different aspects of my life. It feels as though my sense of self has diminished. Perhaps my previous exuberance and outgoing nature were masks for my true feelings, and now that those emotions have levelled out, there's no act to perform.

Change is terrifying for me, but I’m also excited to get to know this new version of myself. What frustrates me, though, is the feeling that my creativity has waned. I used to write a blog, I loved writing, drawing, painting—any creative process, really. Even when I wasn't very good at it, it felt thrilling and electric. There's something magical about bringing an idea or a vision to life in words or through art. Writing, in particular, was my ultimate pill-free serotonin boost. It’s comforting to think that maybe, somewhere out there, someone can relate to what I'm saying—someone who might be feeling lonely and misunderstood, just as I often do.

Here’s a piece I created with oil pastels during a particularly tough moment last year.

As I carefully navigate my way out of depression, each small step forward is a chance to rediscover and nurture the creative spark that has always been a part of me. Because, let's be honest, without it, I'd just continue watching Fleabag on repeat, crying at how eerily similar I am to her. Here's to hoping my creativity returns before I start having existential crises over my favourite TV shows!